Orphans

We are wanting to adopt someday.  We are leaning towards international adoption, most likely from somewhere in Africa, but we'll see what plan God ends up having.  For the past 2 days, I have been extremely burdened for our children.  We do not know them.  I don't even know if they exist yet, but I can't stop thinking about them.  [And notice I keep saying "they" and "them"?  I feel like it's two.  I don't know why.]

Part of this stems from the book Seven.  I just finished it yesterday.  The author, Jen Hatmaker, adopted two children from Ethiopa and they were going through the process as she was writing the book.  So she talks about that a lot.  But I don't think it's just coincidence that I happened to be reading that book right now and she happens to talk about adoption...of two children...from Africa.

I am doing a Bible study called Abounding Hope and we are studying about Job.  I am also doing several other Bible study things and almost thought about skipping out on Abounding Hope today.  But as Job's story has really been resonating with me, I thought I'd do the study real quick.  I opened it up and the verses we are studying today are Psalm 139:1-8.

I was pretty shocked as Psalm 139 is a passage I think of often when I think of orphans.

So I prayed these verses over my children.  There's a pretty good chance they feel forgotten.  They might feel abandoned.  They probably feel lonely.  But God sees them.  He knows them, he sees their every move.  He is with them, in front and behind them.  His hand is upon them.  No matter where they go, He is there.

Will you join me in praying for them?

He sees

This morning I was reading in the second chapter of Job.  After taking everything that Job had, even his family, Satan was talking to God about Job again.  This is what God said about Job:

"Have you considered my servant Job?  There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.  And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason." Job 2:3

God noticed Job.  God recognized his reaction.  Job stood strong in the face of trial and God saw that.  This is one of those truths that we all know in our head but sometimes it's hard to see in our lives because it requires faith.  I'm pretty sure Job had no way of knowing that God recognized that.  I don't think God reached down from heaven and gave Job a high five.  Although we see the big picture, Job didn't.  He had to go on in faith.

Weston has been out of town a lot for the past few weeks so most days it's just me and the kids- single mom mode, as I call it.  And it's hard.  (I give props to all of the actual single moms out there.  You are very strong women!)  Leeland and I just get tired of each other.  He is very strong willed and I am not, so I pretty much just feel defeated at the end of every day.  Kinsley is mobile and is into everything.  And she's at that stage where she is eating table food but there's not a lot that she can eat so each meal time is a struggle.  I am worn out.  And since I've been alone, it just feels like no one notices all the hard work I put in to raising these kids.

But this passage in Job reminds me that God sees.  He sees the struggles.  He notices the victories.  He sees the failures.  It is a struggle to have patience with my kids and so many times, I just give up and lose my temper.  But now, when I think about this passage, I want God to be able to say that about me.  I want Him to be able to say "Have you considered my servant Meagan?  There is no one on earth like her; she is blameless and upright, a woman who fears God and shuns evil.  And she still maintains her integrity, though her kids pull her hair and refuse to go poo poo in the potty.  She stays calm when her toddler calls her to his room to sing "Wheels on the Bus" for the seventh time, an hour after bedtime.  And she doesn't get annoyed at her husband for working all the time."

the momma's dream

For some reason this morning I was thinking about a friend of mine from high school.  We did theater and UIL together and had lots of fun.  We even both got to be a part of a group that went to the Inauguration in 2005.  But, like most high school friends, we lost touch after graduation and I only know about her life now thanks to Facebook.  Now, she is living in LA and doing something in production.  She always had big dreams and I thought to myself, "Wow, it is so neat to see a girl from a small town in Texas, who had big dreams to go off and do great things, and she achieved it!"

I was thinking about this, and having a conversation with her in my head where I was telling her how great I thought that was (what? you don't have conversations with people in your head?!), and I realized how my life might look to someone like her.  Here she is, far away from home, working a cool job, and doing cool things.  And here I am, still in East Texas, sitting at home, popping out babies, and the highlight of my week is a trip to Target.  In the conversation in my head, I was telling her, "Yeah, but this is my dream!...."  But no matter how true the words may be (I really would rather be doing nothing else than raising my children in good ol' Texas!), they fell flat, as they sounded like the cliche words that everybody says.

Then it hit me.  At some point, her parents decided that it was their dream to settle down in East Texas and raise a family.  If they hadn't made that decision, she may not be where she is today.  We all have different dreams, we all have different callings, we all have different stories.  Some may seem way more exciting than others, but that doesn't matter.  Because the life that I am living isn't the end of the story.  I am raising my kids so that they can pursue their dreams.  Those dreams may be to go off and do great things that sound really cool.  Or those dreams may be to stay close and do those things that sometimes go unnoticed.  Whatever their dreams may be, it is my job to allow them to dream.  And to give them the opportunity to pursue it.

My life may look quite different than my old friend's life, but that doesn't mean I'm not pursuing a dream. Every life, every dream is an important part of this story we are living together.

I shall not want.

Our church is doing this thing on Sunday nights called P-52.  I missed the first week and I don't have the book yet so I don't know all the details but the gist of it is this: The whole church studies one chapter of the Bible for a week, and we memorize one verse from that chapter.  Then on Sunday night at the end of that week, our pastor preaches on that chapter.  I don't know about you but I think there is something so beautiful about the church body all meditating on the same thing at the same time.  It just seems so powerful to me!

This week was Psalm 23, a passage that is usually quoted at funerals but is actually quite full of life!  I started reading it the other day, but I got stuck.  I couldn't get past the first verse:

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."

I shall not want.

It struck me in a new way.  I could picture God looking down at me, smiling that knowing smile, and saying, "I think she finally gets it."

You see, every time I've read that verse (and it's been lots of times), I've read it as "I shall not want.  God gives me so much stuff!  I will never be in need because He always provides.  Man, what a great God.  He is just so sweet to give me all this stuff!"  Now doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?  Enjoy that moment.  It's fixing to end.

This is where it struck me.  "I shall not WANT." Do you know how much stuff I want right now?  I want a new liner for our pool.  I want wood floors in my house.  I want new clothes.  I want a cute monogrammed phone cover.  I want trendy pinterest worthy items to fill up the empty shelf sitting in my dining room.  I want a caramel macchiato from Starbucks.  Y'all, I could keep going, but I think you're starting to get it.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."  Yes, He does give me all I need.  And he HAS given me all I need.  So instead of wanting more, I wonder what would happen if I lived in gratitude?  What if I just sat and dwelled in all He has provided?

I don't have to get caught in the "more" continuum that culture has created because "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."

It wasn't me.

I am reading the book Seven by Jen Hatmaker.  It is SO GOOD.  It keeps drawing me in, and then I get convicted, and then I get scared.  Scared, because I know this conviction is going to require change.

This morning, I started the chapter on possessions.  And I read this:

"About three times a year, I rant around the house, screaming at our stuff: "What is all this?  How did this get here?  Why do we have so much junk?  How am I supposed to keep up with all this?  Where did this all come from?" And then I remember:I bought it all.I suppose acting like someone snuck into my house while I was feeding the homeless and filled my shelves with more black shirts and a fourth set of Legos against my will is probably ignoble.  To hear me fuss, you'd think I was a victim of drive-by consumerism.  Guess what, doves?I'm a part of this little game."

Wow.  I just had to chuckle a little as I read these paragraphs because THAT IS ME!  I can so relate.  Almost every day I get annoyed at our STUFF!  Except I can't completely relate to Jen because I actually am a victim of drive-by consumerism..... [ahem...or I'm in denial.]

It's one of those truths that is so blaringly obvious that I completely look it over.  I am on this great quest for simplicity.  I am fighting this great war on stuff.  And on events.  And sometimes I even think it's on other people.  But really, the war is on...me.

You know you can't really fight a war until you know who the enemy is.  I am reminded of that story in the Bible (and I can't currently remember where it is in the Bible...) when God's people were about to fight this great big fight against a bigger and better army and God told them to just sing praises to Him.  So they did.  And the other army got so confused that they started fighting each other and every single one of them ended up dead!

I think I'm that other army.  If my intent isn't focused on the right target, the ultimate goal will never be achieved, and I will actually only end in total and complete defeat.

I'm planning on (and in the process of) getting rid of a lot of things in my house.  But guess what?  I keep buying more.  I have been learning how to say "no," and learning to prioritize my time, but then I think, "Well since I'm not doing this any more, I have time to do THIS!"  I'm missing the point.  I've created a vicious cycle that I must get out of.

The problem is not my "stuff," whatever that may be.  The problem is me!

I'm a bread maker.

I made homemade bread yesterday.

That is not a normal thing for me to say.  I am not one of those people that "makes their own bread." I don't even own a bread maker.  I'm going old school here people!! I tried making bread one other time a few weeks ago.  It turned out pretty terrible.  Weston tried to be nice about it, but the bread was left uneaten.

I was inspired by a friend's blog post.  She is so creative and a great cook.  Her blog made her homemade bread look wonderful so I thought I'd give it another try.  I was going to use her recipe but when I pulled everything out, I wasn't sure I had enough flour.  Fortunately, there was a recipe on the back of my whole wheat flour that looked very similar, but used less flour.

So, I made it.  And guess what....  IT IS SO GOOD!

Umm.. yes they're a little uneven.  That's the beauty of homemade bread, right? :)

It turns out it wasn't hard to make.  But it took time.  Usually things that take time make me anxious.  All that's running through my head is, "I don't have much time.  I have things to do.  I have places to go.  I need to hurry up and get this DONE!"  But Kinsley has been a little sick, so I cancelled my plans and we all just stayed home to rest.  And bake bread.  With no time constraints and no pressure.  And I enjoyed it!

I had a little helper.  Yes, that is flour EVERYWHERE! 

It made me realize that maybe there is a little bit of validity in this whole "doing less" thing.
I am finding that in doing less, I can do more.

It seems we all have the mindset that everything should be fast and easy.  I've been reading the Bible and I haven't read anywhere that life is supposed to be like that.  In fact, I think it is quite the opposite.  The investment of my time, into my family and my friends, is going to bare fruit.  And that is a fact.


I want to be more intentional with my time.  I want to bake my own bread.  And I want to enjoy it.

P.S. In case you're interested, the recipe that I used can be found here.

2013

I'm usually not into New Year's Resolutions.  Mostly because they never get done.  Twice in my life, I have made resolutions and kept them.  And it was the same resolution- to not drink cokes for a certain amount of time.  My senior year of high school, I didn't drink cokes from New Year's until graduation.  Then the next year, I didn't drink cokes from New Year's until I went on a trip to the Amazon in August.  Both of them= accomplished.  Did it impact my life much? Nah.

Last year, I started a blog post about how I don't like New Year's resolutions, but I didn't finish the post.  It ended up somewhere in the land of half done, much like resolutions do!! Irony much?!

This year is a little different.  The past year has challenged me a lot.  In fact, I don't remember much of it, as I think I have just blocked it all out.  Having children 18 months apart is challenging in the beginning.  Balancing a newborn and a strong willed toddler can be quite trying, to say the least.  And then add post-partum hormones and anxiety, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

As Kinsley has gotten older, things have gotten so much better, but I decided there had to be a change.  I still have moments of anxiety but when I take a step back and look at things, it's simple really.  We are always going and doing.  I am staying up late to do more things and the wake up call from my cute little redhead comes early.  We eat terrible foods.  A lot of Chick-Fil-A.  A lot of Starbucks, Dr. Pepper, and sweet tea.  I am always cleaning and picking up the house.  It seems that no matter how much I clean, there is always stuff everywhere!

There seems to be one solution to my problems and it is this:
Simplicity.

More time at home.  More sleep.  More tickles and giggles with the kids.  Less stuff.  Less toxins. Less, less, less.
More of the good.  Less of the bad.

I wouldn't have to pick stuff up all the time if we didn't have so much STUFF.
I wouldn't be anxious about getting everyone together and to [wherever] on time if we just stayed home and didn't go so much.
I would feel a heck of a lot better if I put good things into my body instead of a bunch of chemicals and additives that taste great on the tastebuds but do nothing else for me except make me feel bloated and yucky.

Instead of a resolution, this year I came up with a motto.
"Health and Home: Keeping it clean in 2013"

I am trying to transition us to mostly clean eating.  Less processed foods and more whole, natural, organic foods.  [Don't you worry, I am NOT giving up chips and salsa, or Chick-fil-a.  It's all about moderation, people!!]  I am planning to make more things at home.  I told my husband and bro-in-law that I'm going to make homemade ketchup and ranch dressing and they just gave me weird looks and said, "ok...."  I have a feeling I'll be getting a lot of reactions like that.  :)

I'm going to simplify my home.  I'm going to get rid of A LOT of things.  The kids don't need a ton of toys.  I don't need a pile of papers on my counter at all times.  I don't need to buy more and more and more.

It's not that I'm never going to leave my house.  The kids and I would go insane.  But I'm going to prioritize.  I'm going to focus on my first and highest calling- and that is to be a wife and a mom.  I think we will all benefit from this.

And I think this is a New Year's "resolution" that is going to make a difference.

let's think a little...

I'm just gonna be honest with you.  I don't like to think.  There was a time in my life when I did.  I would pride myself on all my creative and intellectual thoughts.  But now, as a busy wife and mom, I don't think, I just do.  I don't have time to think.  I don't have energy to think.

But I'm realizing that thinking is not something I can let go of.  1 Peter 1:13 says, "Therefore, prepare your minds for action;" Ugh.  I think He means I need to think.

I was doing a Bible Study a while back and it had me read a few verses, and then it asked me a few questions about those verses, and that was it.  I searched through the curriculum looking for more.  You know, the part of the Bible Study where the author tells me what I just read in the Bible, and explains it to me, with lots of great Christian fluff and one liners thrown in there to make me feel good.  But it wasn't there.  What?!?  They actually wanted me to sit there and think about the words I read in the Bible?  No thank you.  I quit the Bible Study.

But this morning, I sat down to read James.  I read the first verse, "James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ..."  My brain had a thought.  I almost skipped over it, not wanting to engage, but I stopped, and prepared my mind for action.

James.  A SERVANT.  Of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.  What does it mean to be a servant?  Can that be said about me?  A servant is someone whose job is to serve their master.  They do everything that they are told to do.  And I'd even go as far to say that a good servant is someone who doesn't wait to be told what to do, but who looks around for things that need to be done and they just do it.  They take care of it.  They want to please their master.  Their every thought and action is based on what their master would want them to do.

Yes, I'd say I'm a servant.  But...who am I serving?  Who do I want to please?  Who is my every thought and action based on?

Me.  My kids.  My husband.

When my every thought and action is not engaged in the work that my Master has for me, I am not serving Him.  When I am not actively looking around for things to do to serve Him, I am not a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ.

I want to be a servant today.  Not to myself.  Not to my family.  But to God.  The Lord Jesus Christ.

Think on THAT.

sirens

On the first Wednesday of every month, at noon, they test the storm warning sirens.  I don't know if this is something they do everywhere, or just in my town, but that's what they do.  I didn't know this until I became a stay at home mom.  Before I was always gone, always busy.  But then as I sat at home, and heard the siren, on a beautiful warm day, I learned about the tests.

It's always alarming the first time you realize what's going on.  Usually those sirens are heard in the midst of a storm.  It's the dreaded siren.  Sometimes storms can be bad, but when you hear the siren, you know it's bad.  One day I was at Walmart on the day they were testing the sirens.  And it happened to be a rainy, dreary day.  It was so funny to me to watch everyone in the parking lot freak out as the sirens went off.  I just chuckled to myself and kept my little secret that it was just the monthly test.

Today, I heard the siren for the first time in a long time.  I always notice it.  But for the past few months, I haven't.  My life has felt a little something like chaos the past few months.  There has not been any catastrophic event in my family or anything that has caused this, but the weight of normal life has just weighed me down.  So much so, that I haven't even noticed the blaring sirens down the road.

And that made me stop and think, "If I've missed that, how much more of the small things in life have I missed out on?"

I have felt like I've been living in a fog the past few months and for some reason, the past few days, it feels like the fog has lifted.  I don't know if I'm dealing with medical issues, or spiritual issues, or what, but I'm glad to have a brief reprieve.

I have been clinging to the promises of Psalm 3:

"O LORD, how many are my foes!  
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me,
'God will not deliver him.'
Selah.
But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the LORD I cry aloud,
and he answer me from his holy hill.
Selah.
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn against me on every side.
Arise, O LORD!
Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
Selah."

God has been teaching me so much through this time, as hard as it has been.  Maybe that's why He needed me to go through this.  I can't tell you how many people I have cried to. [and not just a few tears, I mean that ugly, nasty cry.] But I am learning.

I will probably blog more about specific things I am learning, as this would be a very long post if I included everything now.  But for now, I think I am just going to focus on being present and being aware of the things around me.  Because I think I'll be blessed by more than just some silly storm sirens.

reality

I miss writing.  Writing brings me joy and I hate that I've been missing out on it.  For me, writing is an overflow of my soul.  But the reality is that in this season of my life, my soul has been empty.  There is nothing to overflow.  So I stay silent.  And I soak in.  And I learn.

Another reality?  I'm at Starbucks, and my daughter pooped, and I somehow got out of the house without any extra diapers.  But she fell asleep.  So I sit here, in Starbucks, with poop girl, wondering why no one wants to sit around me...  Now THAT is reality.

graceful

[I'm joining in on Five Minute Friday!  Thanks to Emily for introducing me to this, because I have indeed had quite a bit of writer's block lately.  The prompt is graceful.  And in 5 minutes, with no over thinking, and no editing, here's what came out...]

So many times when we hear the word graceful, we think of beauty, or the way someone presents themselves.  But when you really take time to think about that word, it goes much deeper than the outer appearance.

I have been learning so much about grace lately.  Parenting is hard.  There are so many decisions.  And it seems as soon as you make one, it opens up a box of a million other decisions to make.

But one decision I have made is to be graceful in my parenting.  Full of grace.  Leeland may only be 2, but I  do not think it is too soon to teach him about the graceful God that loves us and cares for us.

I looked up the definition of grace one time and this is what Webster's dictionary said: "The freely given, unmerited love and favor of Jesus Christ."  Wow.  That definition has always stuck with me.

Freely given.

Unmerited.

There is nothing we could do to deserve the love and favor of Jesus.  But He gives it to us anyways.

I love love love Leeland.  And a lot of times he is so much fun, and I love being around him.  But he is 2.  He has a temper.  And there are some days that all I want is to get away.  To sit at Starbucks and sip coffee in silence.  Heck, I'd even settle for getting to go to the bathroom alone.

Yet, I love him and I favor him anyways.  Even though he has done nothing to merit that.  I give it to him freely. Because that is what Jesus does for me, and that's what a graceful mama does.

there had to be a change

I know that most of my posts are all spiritual and encouraging, but I just can't do that all of the time.  I put a lot of pressure on myself for these posts to be all Godly and inspiring and whatnot, and sometimes I just don't have it in me!  So, it's not always going to be that way.  I'm telling you this more for my sake than yours, because I know you probably don't care.  But now I'm taking that pressure off of myself.  Whew, glad that cat's out of the bag!

So I'm doing a little experiment.  We are at a point in our lives where we REALLY need to limit our spending.  We keep trying and trying to whittle it down but nothing seems to be working, so I had to do something drastic.  I tracked every single dollar we spent for about two weeks.  I was going to track it for the whole month of August, but after the first 2 weeks, it was sickening how much money we had spent.  So I stopped.

But while I was tracking, there was one thing I noticed.  We spent a lot of money on food.  I would spend a pretty good amount of money on groceries every week, and then we were still going out to eat a few times a week, which adds up to a lot.  There was one day when I was going to try to be good and fugal and make lunches for all of us as we were out around town.  But I pulled out the loaf of bread (which was about 3/4 full) and it was moldy.  So we went to chick-fil-a instead.  And spent $17.  Yuck.

$17 might not be a lot to most people but when you are trying to save and when you are conscious of your spending, $17 that you weren't planning on spending is A LOT.  And we won't even talk about the loaf of bread (and other groceries) that I paid good money for and then threw out because we didn't eat it. (because we were going out)

So I decided to break the habit.  If you had asked me, I would have said that our family didn't eat out much.  But we did.  It was just habit.
It was also a treat.  Oh, we had a good day?  Let's eat chick-fil-a.
It was also therapy.  Oh, we had a bad day?  Let's eat chick-fil-a.
It was also socialization.  Oh, you wanna get together with me?  Let's meet at chick-fil-a!  (are we noticing a trend here?  I promise I do eat at other restaurants sometimes...)
And it was even many more things.

So I decided that for the whole month of September, I'm not going to eat out.  I am not going to spend a dime at a restaurant.  That even includes Starbucks or running through the drive-thru just to get a coke.  (yikes!)  In fact, I even started before September.

It has been 10 days and I have already had so many revelations!  Yes, we have been saving money.  I am spending about the same amount at the grocery store, yet not spending the money at restaurants.  We could be saving several hundred dollars a month.  But also, I feel a lot better!  I can't tell you how many times I've gone through a drive-thru and then called Weston and said, "Fast food makes me feel yucky."  Yet I would do it again two days later.  After 10 days of no fast food, I just feel better!  And I think I'm even skinnier :)

I'm also more excited about cooking.  I used to not care about cooking.  I'm not a bad cook but I would just make mediocre meals just to get food on the table.  If we wanted really good food, we would go out to eat.  But I realized, why can't I make really good food in my own kitchen??  I know this may not be a revelation to some, but it was to me.  So I'm on a quest.  I've already tried imitation chick-fil-a nuggets, but my main goal is to make really good tex-mex!  I'm starting with salsa, pico, and guacamole and will be trying a new fajita recipe tomorrow.  There have been times that I've made food, and it was not good, but I kept the recipe and made it again just because it was easy.  Why would anyone do that to themselves and their family??  I'm a doofus.  So from now on, I'm throwing bad recipes out, and tweaking good recipes to make them better!  If you have any suggestions, please send them my way.

We are also dealing with some health issues in our household so we are making a transition to lots more  fruits and vegetables and way less processed food.  I'm considering the transition to a whole foods diet. I am about to attempt to make my own bread (what??!) and even looked up a recipe to make homemade goldfish crackers.  We are convinced that our bodies will feel better if we put better things in them.  I've already gotten a small taste of that with one small change in 10 short days.  [small taste- see what I did there?  sooo punny....]

Ya'll, I have read all those blogs about people that eat like this and it was always SO NOT ME.  I thought those people were crazy and there was NO WAY I could eat like that. But I'm taking baby steps and have actually been enjoying the journey so far.  These are big changes for us and I'm hoping that this won't be just a one month trial run, but it will be a lifestyle change. [although I'm pretty sure I'm never going to make my own kefir.  whatever the heck that is!]

For those of you that are already so great about not going out to eat all the time, and cooking great food at home.  Don't judge me!  :)  I know you probably think I'm crazy.  I just assumed that's how everybody else lived too...??  But I know that's not the case.

And if you want to get together with me, don't invite me out to eat. :)  You can come to my house.  We can drink coffee brewed in my coffee pot, or experiment with the homemade Pumpkin Spice Latte recipe I found.  Oh, and I won't charge you $5 for your cup of coffee ;)

the journey

I love seeing people's journeys.  I love walking with them on their journeys.  I love the stories that come out of it all.  We can learn so much about who God is and what He does when we see the journeys and hear the stories.

I feel the need to share a little bit of my journey.  For weeks and weeks now, I've wanted to get back into writing blogs.  I've made a list of blog topics that have been on my mind.  I've even started a blog or two, but the words just never seem to come.  And I think it's because I just need to share my journey with you.  Because that's what this blog has always been.

If I had to sum up this season of my life in one word, it would be renewal.  I'm in a time where the Lord is teaching me so many new things.  I've been given lots of different opportunities, I'm taking on new responsibilities, and as they pile on, I am having to trust the Lord more and more.

It's kind of one of those times when I feel like the world is going on around me, business as usual, and I'm just kind of on the outside, looking at it all, figuring out where I fit in, and how God wants to use me. Sometimes I wish I really could just step back, unplug, and observe, but as a mother of two very active children, that's just not an option.  I've gotta keep going, gotta keep moving, no matter what.  So I'm living in this dichotomy of wanting to sit, think, and reflect, but having to just do without thinking.  And I'm learning that sometimes that's the way God wants it.  Sometimes he wants us simply to obey.

I'm learning that things will look different through this season.  My time with the Lord will look different.  My relationship with my husband will look different.  My community with friends and family will look different.  I can't do it all.  I can't please everyone.  There are some things that I just have to let go.  And that's ok.

Although this may sound cheesy, and it's been said SO MANY TIMES before, I am learning that there really is no time like the present.  With Facebook and Pinterest so prevalent, there were so many things that I wanted to do.  It seemed I was always looking outside, looking to other people for ideas about how to be the best wife and mom.  It seemed I always needed to find more things to teach my kids, more fun crafts to do, more, more, more.  And then I realized the beauty of simplicity.  The art of simplicity.  The joy of simplicity.  Instead of looking outward and dreaming, I've started looking into the eyes of those right in front of me and doing.

So that's where I am.  I don't have any great biblical illustrations or wise words of encouragement, but I have my journey.  Walk with me.

waiting

I know, I know... New blog, out of nowhere, after a long stint of silence. I'm accepting the fact that I'm an inconsistent blogger. You should too :)

I decided to squeeze in a few minutes of blog reading in this morning and was scrolling along, picking and choosing which blogs I wanted to spend my precious time reading. I came across this blog, Waiting on God, and was about to scroll right past it. I thought, "I'm not waiting on God for anything. I don't need that." But then I had the thought that any encouraging word from the Lord would be good right now, as I'm going through a tough time. So I read it. And it was EXACTLY what I needed.

Let me give you a little background. [This is one of those stories that is hard to tell because you know us moms, we try to be perfect. We don't want the world to know that our kids aren't perfect. And we don't want the world to know that we don't always know how to handle them. But I'm just gonna be a little honest and a little vulnerable here...] Most of you already know this but, I have an 18 month old (Leeland), and I just had another baby (Kinsley) last week. Even before I had Kinsley, Leeland was already starting to go through a tough stage. He really is a sweet boy but he has started hitting, pinching, and biting. He doesn't do it out of anger most of the time, he just does it. I don't know why and we have been trying everything we can to get him to stop, without any success.

And then baby Kinsley came into the picture and things just escalated. When I'm home by myself with just the two babies, Leeland constantly just screams and cries. He hits Kinsely, he pinches her, and he scratches her. And a few days ago, while throwing a little tantrum, he decided to throw the tv remote...at our plasma tv... So needless to say, we are now a tv free family! Not by choice, but because my toddler busted our tv beyond repair.

That was the end of the rope for me. But you wanna know the craziest part? I was a little annoyed with God about this. I had been asking friends and family for advice on dealing with him, but that morning (the morning of the major breakdown and tv incident), I sat down and talked to God about it. I realized that He should have been the first person I turned to in all of this! I prayed and prayed about it. I gave it over to God. I asked God to calm Leeland. I asked God to give me wisdom in dealing with him. I was feeling pretty good and confident after that little Jesus time, knowing that He would make everything better. And then what happened? WORST. DAY. EVER!

I was crying to my mom about it later that night and she said that maybe God just wanted to teach me something. And I agreed, but I was still a little annoyed.

And then I read this blog. I didn't think I was "waiting on God" for anything but as I started reading, I realized I am. I am waiting for Him to answer my prayer. I am waiting for that time where my house will be a little bit more calm. I am waiting for the day when Leeland will not hit. I am waiting for the day when he will be able to tolerate those moments when I need to take care of Kinsley. My God is the great provider and He will answer my prayer. But God does not promise instant gratification. Although that may be what I am used to, that is not His way.

A day or two after Kinsley was born, I read this blog (By the way, if you're a mom, this is a MUST READ. Even if you're not a mom, it's good.), and these words have been my comfort ever since:

"I figure God is big enough to give me just what I need for each day. Maybe it's not as much as I would like or as much as I think I need, but I have to believe that it's sufficient for the moment. He promises that, you know?"

So I cling to those words, and this verse:

"And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see.Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time." Habakkuk 2:2-3

The waiting is hard. But I will endure because my God is good. He is teaching me and molding me. And the waiting will end- in God's time, not mine :)

for when the clarity never comes

A friend asked me to pray for wisdom and clarity for her. And so I did, and I am. But as I pray, there is a strong sense of familiarity to my words. That's because I pray for wisdom and clarity all the time.

And to be honest, I get frustrated with this prayer a lot,

because most of the time it feels unanswered.

I usually pray this prayer when I have a decision to make. I pray for wisdom and clarity because I want to know that I'm making the right choice, the choice the Lord wants me to make. But so many times, the decision has to be made and the clarity is not there. And I get a little annoyed. "God, I prayed and asked so nicely for clarity. I even begged. What's the deal??!"

At that point, I usually just move on with my life and go through the cycle again. But today, I decided to stop. And listen. I listened to the Lord's answer to my frustrated and annoyed question. And what did I hear?

Trust me.

I have already given you the tools you need to make this decision on your own.

I have a plan, I know what I'm doing, and you might not be able to see it and understand, but I do.

Several scriptures came to mind immediately. Verses that we quote all the time, but important words from the Father. Verses that I have memorized but as I began to go over them in my mind, I realized that He is spelling it all out for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He has a plan for you. And it's a good one. He tells us that right here in scripture so why do we ever question that? It's time to just trust.

And speaking of trust, Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and he will make your paths straight."

We must trust Him. Even when we don't understand. He's gonna take care of us.

Romans 12:1-2 (yes, I know I JUST blogged about this verse, but it's back!)

"Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-- this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-- his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

So many times, I pray for clarity, and then I sit and wait for this magical "aha!" moment. But I'm beginning to learn that it doesn't always happen that way. How are we able to test and approve what God's will is? Worship. Sacrifice. Renewing of your mind. Sometimes God doesn't have some brand new revelation for us because He's already given us the answer in His Word. However, we have to go there to find it.

To my sweet friend- I am continuing to pray for wisdom and clarity. But if the clarity never comes, trust that He has a great plan for you. He already knows what's gonna happen. He's seen the future, in fact, He planned it out for you. Even if you don't know that you're making the right choice, He knows.

pleasing to HIM

Isn't it great to get a new perspective on things?

I have a Bible that I love. It's maroon leather (classy, of course), not too big, not too little, it falls open and stays open just perfectly, it's NIV, and it has all my notes and underlines from the past few years. However, over Thanksgiving break, I left that Bible in my dad's truck after church. I realized it about 30 seconds after pulling away from my parent's house but considering the fact that we have a whole shelf full of Bibles at home, and I knew I would be seeing my parents soon again anyways, I knew it wasn't worth turning around for.

So, when I got home, I pulled out another Bible from the shelf. I don't use this Bible often so it won't even stay open, which is annoying because I always lose my place. It's also in the New Century Version which I've never even really heard of, and I have become quite the lover of NIV. Needless to say, I haven't been thrilled to be using this Bible but figured it could get the job done until I get mine back.

Then I actually read it. When I get my Bible back, this other one will still be going back on the shelf, but it has offered some great new perspective! I'll probably be pulling it out a little more often now to get a different view on things. Let me share with you a big one I learned the other day.

I was reading Romans 12:1-2. I have this verse memorized (in NIV of course), and we just got done studying Romans in Sunday School so I probably normally wouldn't be reading these verses AGAIN, but I was reading a devotional that my dad gave me and it was in Romans. I was blown away with the way this other Bible worded things. It was saying the same thing, of course, but I think I had read it over and over in the NIV so much that I had become numb to the message. Romans 12:2 really jumped out at me.

Here's Romans 12:2 in the NIV:

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

And here it is in the NCV:

"Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect."

Doesn't the NCV offer a great new perspective?! There are so many things I could touch on but let me tell you about the biggest one for me.

In the NIV, I was always reading the end of that verse pretty selfishly. I read the end of that verse thinking God's will was good FOR ME, pleasing TO ME, and perfect FOR ME. And I do believe it is all of those things...BUT the NCV pointed out something I was missing. Did you catch it up there? It says "you will know what is good and pleasing TO HIM."

And this is one of those moments where I learn, yet again, that it's not all about me! God's will is not for me to live a life that is good and pleasing and perfect and wonderful for myself. He has transformed me into a new being, a new creation, and His will is for me to live a life that is pleasing TO HIM.

Yes, this is one of those lessons that we all know and have heard a million times... but I have shown time and time again that I need to be reminded of this often. And God is always faithful to find ways to offer a new perspective for me. Maybe I didn't leave my "favorite" Bible in Mount Pleasant on accident... :)

commitment

Today is one of those days that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I woke up early and cooked a good breakfast for Weston and Leeland and packed both of their lunches for them to take to work/school today. (I know this may be a usual occurrence for most people, but for me, that was a supermom moment.) It is cold and rainy outside and I am sitting in my nice warm house, sipping delicious hot coffee, wearing my furry boots, listening to music and blogging in the warm glow of the Christmas tree. And since Weston is at work and Leeland is at school, the rest of the house is calm.

I'm usually always going and doing. Even on a day with nothing on the agenda, I usually find somewhere to go. But I decided ahead of time that today was going to be a day at home. I'm going to finish decorating the tree and take care of some things at home that have been neglected. Also, my soul needs a day to just breathe.

As I sit, breath, and enjoy the warmth of the calm, my mind is dwelling on commitment. We talked about commitment in Sunday School yesterday- about how commitment is one way to avoid the pitfalls that the enemy puts before us. We discussed the consequences of breaking commitments (in marriage, in our relationship with the Lord) but as I dwell on it this morning, I'm realizing another pitfall- not breaking the commitment, but neglecting the commitment.

These things are similar and they both have consequences but I think they are a bit different. Most of the time, breaking your commitments is a conscious decision. But neglect tends to happen subconsciously. We don't even think about it but we let our commitment slip from the forefront of our minds, and then in turn, end up breaking our commitments without even thinking much about it.

This morning I'm thinking about my commitment to my marriage. No, I haven't done any of those big, bad things to break my commitment- I haven't cheated on my husband or lied to him or shamed him in public. But am I truly, daily, consciously committed to loving, serving, and respecting him?

I'm talking about the little things like the way I talk to him or the things I expect of him (annnd the way I treat him when those expectations are not met...). Commitment is costly, and it's not always easy. However, when my commitment is in the forefront of my mind, it is a little easier to remember the things that commitment requires of me.

I know things are busy right now. I know not all of you may be able to get your kid and husband out of your house and have a quiet morning to relax. But I encourage you to find some time (maybe while you're in the shower? If you're lucky enough to get to take one...) and let your soul breathe. And while you're breathing, think about your commitments- to your family, to the Lord, and whatever else you are committed to. You may have to search deep for some of those commitments that have been neglected. Recommit yourself to those things and those people. Remind yourself why you're committed and what that commitment means. Write it down if you have to so they don't get neglected again, because as we learned in Sunday School yesterday, "Commitment is costly, but breaking the commitment is costlier."

as unto the LORD

It is so hard to get back on the blogging bandwagon after you've fallen off! I'm searching my brain for something to write about and there are a million ideas whirring around like race cars!

So as I was on this journey of finding a topic for today's blog, the Lord brought this verse to my attention:

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

Colossians 3:23

I know we've all heard this verse a million times before but God just showed me that this verse really applies to every area of my life that I'm struggling with right now.

I started feeling a little bit guilty yesterday. I just felt like I wasn't giving enough to Weston and to Leeland. I'm pretty crazy about my house being straight all the time. I can't go to bed with dirty dishes all over the kitchen or toys all over the living room floor. If I leave laundry in the dryer, it will be on my mind until it gets folded and put away. When I walk into the kitchen and the counter is littered with junk mail, shoes, water bottles, keys, jackets, and who knows what else, it's pretty much the equivalent of hearing nails scratch a chalkboard. Now, don't get me wrong, my house is not clean all of the time, but I'm pretty much in a state of anxiety about it all of the time and the second Leeland is down for a nap or asleep for the night, no matter how tired I feel, I am cleaning machine!

But what does that do for my husband and my son? I'm sure they appreciate having a straight house but is that what they really need? You see, I spend all of the time during Leeland's naps cleaning and then by the time he wakes up, I am exhausted. So what do I do? I get him up, I do whatever I can to occupy him and make him happy, but I pretty much just sit in the recliner trying to recuperate while he plays and usually just fusses because he wants more from me. Weston has been working a lot and usually doesn't get home until Leeland's bedtime. But what am I doing during that time? Cleaning! I go to bed early and can never manage to make myself stay up past 9:00 to spend time with my husband. But last night? I was up until 10:30 folding laundry and cleaning our bedroom and bathroom!

All of this to say, I'm giving my family my leftovers. I am investing more in my house than I am in my husband and my son. And I think to myself, "But I'm pregnant and I have to take care of a toddler all day and I can't COMPLETELY neglect my house. I am TIRED! How am I supposed to do this?" That's when the Lord reminded me:

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

I think if I focused my work on working for the Lord, He would show me how to prioritize. He will give me energy to do the things I need to do and still invest in my family. He will take away my anxiety when the clothes are left in the dryer for a little bit longer. And I think when I focus on doing things for the Lord and not for men, my family will come first. You see, it's easy to say, "Well, I am putting my family first. I am doing these things FOR THEM. I'm such a servant." But let's be honest, that's not the case. Weston and Leeland could really care less about the condition of the house. I think we could edit this verse a little by removing the last letter. Instead of saying "not for men," it could read "not for me." The reality is that all of these things that I'm doing are really just to make myself feel good. To make me feel accomplished. To get rid of my anxiety.

So yes, I may be tired and pregnant. I may have a crazy toddler to take care of. I may have a lot of responsibilities around the house. But I think when I take the focus off of myself and when I "work with all of my heart AS UNTO THE LORD," it might all seem a bit less overwhelming. And I think the result will be that my family will get the best of me, and not just my leftovers.

Now if you'll excuse me, Leeland is still sleeping and I'm gonna go straighten the house a little before he wakes up... Is it bad/ironic that I'm really about to do that? [Ha!] Don't worry, I think God says it's ok ;)

joy in the calling

I have been attending MOPS (Mothers Of Pre Schoolers) this Fall and I love it! It has been so good to make so many sweet mom friends and it is always so encouraging. Last Tuesday, I had a busy, overwhelming day and I ALMOST decided not to go to MOPS so I would have a little more time to get things done. But I decided to go anyways and boy am I glad I did! The speaker was SO good and every single thing she said really resonated with me. [I was just looking for the notes I took while she was speaking and can't find them. Hopefully my husband didn't throw them away...he's been watching too much Hoarders!]

One of the first things she talked about was calling. I've blogged a little about this before but the way she explained this really turned on a light bulb for me. She was talking about how so many people are always praying that they would discover what they're calling is. "God, show me my calling! What am I called to do?" And she excitedly said, "I don't have to pray about my calling! I already know what it is!"

"I'm a wife! I am CALLED to be a wife. I'm a mom! I am CALLED to be a mom."

That was a big "Hello!" moment for me. When you look at it as your calling, it really makes the tough moments a little bit easier. I have seen that first hand ever since that moment. It doesn't mean the hard times don't come. Nothing has physically changed for me, but my attitude and my mentality have changed, and that makes all the difference.

The very next day after I heard this speaker, Leeland woke up early. Weston was home that morning and was very capable of getting up with Leeland but instead he just turned over in bed and made some grumpy noises. I was so tired, so very quickly my temper began to flare. I was mad at Weston and I was frustrated that Leeland was awake. But then I reminded myself, "This is my calling." My perspective changed immediately. And then I got up and made a special breakfast for Weston and Leeland. And you know what? I found joy in my calling.

This same week, Leeland had been sick. It wasn't too bad- just a virus that gave him a little fever and a little rash, but after that went away, it caused something else... irritability! He would just cry and cry non stop. And not that fake annoying cry. He would stand in front of me with his arms straight up in the air and cry until his face turned red with big tears streaming down his face. He is a big boy and I can't carry him around forever so lots of tears were shed that day. All of that crying can really start to get to me so I was very glad when nap time arrived. I usually just rock Leeland for a minute or two and then put him in bed awake. But this day, I guess the crying wore him out and he was asleep in my arms before I put him down. Thoughts of my crazy messy house flashed through my head and I was about to put him down so I could get to it. But just as I moved to get up, he nestled his sweet little head a little deeper into my chest and I remembered, "I am called to be a mom." I realized that part of that calling is savoring sweet little moments with my son, even when the day is crazy. So I stayed a little bit longer and cuddled with him. And I found joy in my calling.

Maybe you're not a wife and maybe you're not a mom, but I think your calling can be found just as easily. What are you already doing? Who are you already serving? When you realize what you are called to do, and when you look at it in that way, that's where you can find true joy.

31 day failure

Well, not only did I not make all 31 days, I only got halfway through and the blog has been rather neglected since then. October got CRAZY!

I might not have seemed that busy to some people but for me, it was busy. You see, I used to work a job that kept me crazy busy. My life was pretty much consumed with my job which meant other things in my life were sacrificed- time with my husband, time with my family, ministry, service, investment in church, and many other things. SO, when I had Leeland and quit working, I made a decision to be less busy. It might mean saying "no" sometimes, or a lot of times. But I wanted to make my family a priority.

This "less busy" life is rather nice. Trust me, Leeland keeps me busy enough without adding a bunch of other stuff! But now that I've gotten used to this life, when things do get busy it's overwhelming! But it's ok, it reminds me why I made the decision I did, and I am always grateful to get things back to a little less chaotic.

But that's not necessarily a good excuse for not blogging. I'll tell you what I think the real issue is. I must begin by telling you that I LOVE encouraging people. (Especially women, but if a man gets something out of it too, that's great!) And almost a year ago, I finally admitted to myself that I had a passion for writing, I felt like it was a gift that God gave me, and decided to use writing to encourage people. And it's one of those decisions that I made that I knew would start a battle- a spiritual battle. This is something that I really want to do for the Lord, so satan is going to do all he can to discourage me, and stop me. And I think that's what happened with the 31 days. Around the time that I stopped writing, I was really just emotionally discouraged and for no good reason at all. I think that was the enemy bringing me down. And he kept me down just long enough until I just didn't care anymore and neglected the blog. Man, these spiritual battles are tough!

Anyways, hopefully I'm back! I'm about to write a blog or two to post over the next week and hopefully we'll all get back on track. Oh, and thank you for reading. I don't know if I've ever said that. But seriously, knowing that these blogs are read and that they encourage others is SO encouraging to me! So, thank you, thank you, thank you! :)