31 days of peace in the chaos: [day 7]

We were supposed to find out the sex of our baby last Monday. I had been looking forward to this day for quite a while. People were always asking me about it and I always excitedly exclaimed, "October 3!" It was a big day. But, to be honest, I had a feeling we wouldn't find out that day. I was afraid the baby wouldn't cooperate and we wouldn't be able to tell. And what do ya know! The baby's legs were closed the whole time and we got no glimpse of those little private parts that tell us the big news.

I was disappointed. I am still eager to find out and we have an appointment to find out (hopefully!) tomorrow. But the odd part is, I had a peace about it.

That is totally out of character for me. Especially about something like this. I don't know if anyone else feels the same way but I don't really feel connected with my baby until I know the sex and give it a name. Then, I don't have to refer to it as an "it." I know whether I should be having dreams of ballet recitals or football games. I know if I should buy pink bows or plaid shirts. So although this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, it's a big deal to me.

This is where the beauty of my Lord comes in. He knew it was a big deal to me. So I firmly believe He was preparing me ahead of time. He was the still small voice in my head that said, "Maybe October 3 won't be the big day. And that's ok." He brought peace in that moment, a peace that could have come from no one else but Him.

I don't know what kind of results we'll get tomorrow. I'm praying that we'll find out, just so I can stop wondering and speculating. But I know that whatever happens, it's all in the Lord's plans. Even with something so non-important as finding out the sex of the little baby growing inside of me.

31 days of peace in the chaos: [day 6]

Well, Steve Jobs died. I know that all of you already know that. And just like me, you probably found out about his death one of the wonderful devices he created.

I found out about his death while checking facebook on my iPhone. Do you know how much I hate facebook when big events happen? I mean, sometimes I am thankful that my friends feel the need to share these things, because that is the only way I'll find out about it happening. But most of the time, I already know it happened and I really do not care to read about it over. and over. and over again. I felt that way about Osama bin Laden's death. I feel that way about college football on Saturdays. I feel that way about the Rangers and the Cowboys. I felt that way about the death of Steve Jobs.

Weston, like most people in the world, loves Apple and loved Steve Jobs. He was really sad when he died. He said he really enjoyed hearing him speak at the keynotes, had hope that he was going to get better, and expected to hear him speak once again. But that was all gone.

I was just intent on watching whatever was on TV. But Weston was intently reading about Steve Jobs...for a really long time. Then he says, "Oh, I forgot. Steve Jobs was a buddhist. He died a buddhist." I kind of laughed and said, "Haha, that must mean he's gonna be reincarnated as an iPad!" And Weston said, "No, that means he's in hell right now." I stopped laughing.

When Osama bin Laden died, all of my friends had A LOT to say about it on facebook. A lot of people acknowledged the fact that he went to hell. And some even said they were happy about it. All of my friends have a lot to say about Steve Jobs' death too, but it's weird, no one is mentioning the fact that he's in hell. And if someone did mention it, I don't know one single person that would be happy about it. In fact, I think most would be rather sad.

Why would we be happy/not care about one soul burning in hell yet mourn over another? Just because one of them brought lots of death, pain, and heartache to our world and the other one brought cool gadgets and convenience? The fact is that neither one of them found the truth. Neither one of them had true peace. Being buddhist, I'm sure Mr. Jobs thought he knew what peace was. But he missed the mark. Just like millions of others.

And to me, this is all just a little more motivation to live in peace. To love. To share. To impact. I might not have made a difference in the lives of Steve Jobs or Osama bin Laden, but I'm sure there was someone that could have, and they missed their chance. I don't want to miss my chance.

31 days of peace in the chaos: [day 5]

When was the last time you sat down and had a good heart to heart conversation with your husband? Before last night, I don't think I could have answered that question because it had been so long.

Weston and I are both busy and overwhelmed. Weston probably more so than me. Last night, the weather got nice and cool and after putting Leeland to bed and finishing The Biggest Loser, we decided to go sit outside and enjoy the weather. We actually had to take blankets out there because it was so chilly!

It was a nice break from the usual. Just being outside with each other, no technology, no distractions. It was blissful. We began to talk and we got past all of that surface stuff. Pretty much all we usually talk about is Weston's job, Leeland, and the occasional random piece of knowledge I have that I like to share with the world. But that wasn't the conversation last night.

We actually talked. Not to get all mushy on you, but we shared our feelings. We talked about those issues in marriage that need to be talked about but often get pushed to the wayside. It was so so good. It wasn't easy. But it was good. And not only was there peace in that moment, but that conversation will continue to provide peace in our marriage.

Try it. Trust me. It's worth it.

31 days of peace in the chaos: [day 4]

I love how God gives me one little glimpse of an idea and then slowly and gradually broadens the scope, showing me new things.

When I thought of the topic "Peace in the Chaos," I was really just thinking of my own little life in my own little world. But in the past few days, I've been expanding my view to think outside of myself a little bit.

I was checking Twitter the other day and read two interesting headlines. The first said something about the chance of retaliation after the death of Al-Awlaki (you know the big terrorist leader) and the second said something about how the world was so much safer now that he (along with Bin Laden) was dead. Immediately, pictures flashed through my mind of some other event like 9/11 happening again. But just as quickly, I felt peace. Because I knew that whatever happened, whether something like that happened or not, God is in control. He has a plan, He knows what He's doing. And because of that, I can have peace, no matter what.

31 days of peace in the chaos: [day 3]

[Do you wanna know what the hardest part is about blogging every day? Blogging. I thought the hard part would be the writing part but I usually write about 3 blogs a day- in my head. And I feel all accomplished...and then the end of the day arrives and I say, "Oh no! I haven't blogged!"]

I took Leeland on a breakfast date this morning before I took him to school. We decided to go to the McDonald's down the road. I was really looking forward to our breakfast date but going somewhere with Leeland by myself is never easy. It's kind of funny the way your thinking changes when you become a mom. Especially when it's just you and your baby- you gotta go in with a game plan.

As soon as I walked in the door, I scoped out the location of the high chairs. It's just funny to me because before baby, the only thing on my mind would have been the food I was about to consume. After baby, I find the high chairs, I made sure my money was easily accessible so I could get it out with one hand while holding Leeland, then I looked for a place to sit where I could sit Leeland in the high chair and still be able to see him if I needed to get up for any necessities like straws, napkins, and ketchup. All of this went through my mind within 5 seconds of walking in the door. Whew! Being a mom is hard work!

I noticed an open booth that had maximum viewing capacity and was close to the stack of high chairs. It was the last booth left in a small side section and the rest of the section was full of...old people! Old people that clearly all knew each other and all enjoyed breakfast together at McDonalds often. I got so excited about sitting with the old people! For two reasons: 1. I knew Leeland would bring joy to them. 2. I knew they would bring joy to Leeland and I.

I was right- as soon as I walked in the section I heard, "You have the most perfect red headed baby!" Old people are amazed by Leeland's red hair for some reason. An old man that could barely walk helped me get a high chair out of the stack. As we sat down, they went on and on about how good and cute Leeland is, and they all proceeded to tell me about their grandchildren- some red headed and some not. That's always important to mention.

It was so pleasant and wonderful. As they finished up and headed out (I'm sure they had been there for hours), I thought to myself, "This is peace." Things like that just don't happen anymore. Strangers don't just talk and share their lives like that every day. Especially with the technology we have these days, we are consumed by things far off and not the community that is right around us.

I had forgotten the peace and joy the community of strangers can bring. Maybe Leeland and I will have breakfast with our new friends at McDonald's more often. :)

31 days of peace in the chaos: [day 2]

Since our pastor left, we have had a series of guest preachers at our church. The guy this morning was your classic old evangelist. He was very dead set on people getting saved. He was very passionate. He had good things to say but he never once opened the Bible. I hope that someone got saved because of his words, but to those of us that are already Christians, it was a little stale(in my opinion). I got a little bored (don't worry, I was a little convicted about that) and my mind began to wander.

I began to think about the church. Not the building, not the service, but the people. I think the church is really the definition of peace in the chaos. This world is so lost and confused. Everyone is searching for something, they just don't know what. The church has the answer but I don't think we share it enough. You know what they want? Peace. Hope. Love. We have these things!!

My attention slowly wandered back to the words the preacher was saying as he talked about a book Billy Graham wrote a long time ago. I was about to tune him out again when I heard what the book was about- peace. He talked about how this book was just flying off the shelves when it came out because, and I quote, "There's one thing that everyone in the world wants and that's peace." I smiled to myself as I realized that I was thinking the exact same thought that this little old evangelist was thinking. :)

We have the answer, we have that peace, but what do we have to show for it? When someone sees me grocery shopping at Walmart, do they see my peace? When I'm standing in line at the post office, do those around know what I possess? You would think we would all live quite differently with this precious treasure of peace that we possess. But so many times, our lives look exactly like those lost people around us.

I'm going to be a little more intentional tomorrow. I'm going to live in peace. And I'm going to walk into the chaos of the world and show others that my God brings peace that passes all understanding. And that makes all the difference.

31 days of peace in the chaos: [day 1]

This morning started out pretty nice. I got up with Leeland and let Weston sleep since he had a late flight and had gotten home at 2:00a.m. Leeland played with toys. We watched cartoons. We ate breakfast. I even got to relax in the recliner and drink a cup of coffee. I had lots of warm, fuzzy, peaceful thoughts and had already written a nice happy blog in my head.

Then, the fuss monster arrived.

Leeland started to fuss a bit and it was around nap time so I went to put him down, but he was not having that! He started to get worked up and I tried so hard to get him to stop crying because his room is right next to ours and I wanted Weston to be able to sleep. After it was clear nap time wasn't going to happen soon, I decided to bring him back out to the living room and let him play. However, he had already gotten worked up and just didn't want to stop crying. He doesn't usually do this but today he did and every bit of peace was gone.

With pregnancy hormones and being tired from not sleeping well, I had a very short fuse and that was pretty much blown. I was at the end of my rope, as Leeland was too. It was at that moment I realized you have to CHOOSE peace. It doesn't just come in and take all of the stress away, you have to let it in. But that is NOT easy.

I would take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and choose peace. That moment would last about 30 seconds and then it was like all my anxiety, anger, and annoyance came back quicker and stronger. It was a struggle.

I put Leeland in the car and we drove around for about 30-45 minutes. He calmed down a bit. And eventually, so did I. I got home and my wonderful husband had gotten up, straightened up the house, gotten the laundry going, and opened all of the blinds to let the sunshine in. It was a breath of fresh air.

Leeland eventually went down for a nap (with quite a fight) and the house got quiet. That's when the easy peace came. The quiet, calm peace that is natural. The peace streamed in as beautifully as the sunlight streaming through the windows, warming my toes. But I think sometimes the peace that isn't easy is a little more rewarding. The peace that you have to drive around for 30 minutes to find, that peace is not natural. Which means only one thing- it is purely from the Lord. When we CHOOSE that, especially when it's not easy, that's when we have a little victory over the enemy.

When I decided on the topic of "Peace in the Chaos," I had no idea that the very first day was going to start out quite so chaotic! But I think the Lord wanted me to realize these foundational truths right in the beginning: His peace doesn't always come easily. Sometimes we have to look for it, and CHOOSE it.