graceful

[I'm joining in on Five Minute Friday!  Thanks to Emily for introducing me to this, because I have indeed had quite a bit of writer's block lately.  The prompt is graceful.  And in 5 minutes, with no over thinking, and no editing, here's what came out...]

So many times when we hear the word graceful, we think of beauty, or the way someone presents themselves.  But when you really take time to think about that word, it goes much deeper than the outer appearance.

I have been learning so much about grace lately.  Parenting is hard.  There are so many decisions.  And it seems as soon as you make one, it opens up a box of a million other decisions to make.

But one decision I have made is to be graceful in my parenting.  Full of grace.  Leeland may only be 2, but I  do not think it is too soon to teach him about the graceful God that loves us and cares for us.

I looked up the definition of grace one time and this is what Webster's dictionary said: "The freely given, unmerited love and favor of Jesus Christ."  Wow.  That definition has always stuck with me.

Freely given.

Unmerited.

There is nothing we could do to deserve the love and favor of Jesus.  But He gives it to us anyways.

I love love love Leeland.  And a lot of times he is so much fun, and I love being around him.  But he is 2.  He has a temper.  And there are some days that all I want is to get away.  To sit at Starbucks and sip coffee in silence.  Heck, I'd even settle for getting to go to the bathroom alone.

Yet, I love him and I favor him anyways.  Even though he has done nothing to merit that.  I give it to him freely. Because that is what Jesus does for me, and that's what a graceful mama does.

there had to be a change

I know that most of my posts are all spiritual and encouraging, but I just can't do that all of the time.  I put a lot of pressure on myself for these posts to be all Godly and inspiring and whatnot, and sometimes I just don't have it in me!  So, it's not always going to be that way.  I'm telling you this more for my sake than yours, because I know you probably don't care.  But now I'm taking that pressure off of myself.  Whew, glad that cat's out of the bag!

So I'm doing a little experiment.  We are at a point in our lives where we REALLY need to limit our spending.  We keep trying and trying to whittle it down but nothing seems to be working, so I had to do something drastic.  I tracked every single dollar we spent for about two weeks.  I was going to track it for the whole month of August, but after the first 2 weeks, it was sickening how much money we had spent.  So I stopped.

But while I was tracking, there was one thing I noticed.  We spent a lot of money on food.  I would spend a pretty good amount of money on groceries every week, and then we were still going out to eat a few times a week, which adds up to a lot.  There was one day when I was going to try to be good and fugal and make lunches for all of us as we were out around town.  But I pulled out the loaf of bread (which was about 3/4 full) and it was moldy.  So we went to chick-fil-a instead.  And spent $17.  Yuck.

$17 might not be a lot to most people but when you are trying to save and when you are conscious of your spending, $17 that you weren't planning on spending is A LOT.  And we won't even talk about the loaf of bread (and other groceries) that I paid good money for and then threw out because we didn't eat it. (because we were going out)

So I decided to break the habit.  If you had asked me, I would have said that our family didn't eat out much.  But we did.  It was just habit.
It was also a treat.  Oh, we had a good day?  Let's eat chick-fil-a.
It was also therapy.  Oh, we had a bad day?  Let's eat chick-fil-a.
It was also socialization.  Oh, you wanna get together with me?  Let's meet at chick-fil-a!  (are we noticing a trend here?  I promise I do eat at other restaurants sometimes...)
And it was even many more things.

So I decided that for the whole month of September, I'm not going to eat out.  I am not going to spend a dime at a restaurant.  That even includes Starbucks or running through the drive-thru just to get a coke.  (yikes!)  In fact, I even started before September.

It has been 10 days and I have already had so many revelations!  Yes, we have been saving money.  I am spending about the same amount at the grocery store, yet not spending the money at restaurants.  We could be saving several hundred dollars a month.  But also, I feel a lot better!  I can't tell you how many times I've gone through a drive-thru and then called Weston and said, "Fast food makes me feel yucky."  Yet I would do it again two days later.  After 10 days of no fast food, I just feel better!  And I think I'm even skinnier :)

I'm also more excited about cooking.  I used to not care about cooking.  I'm not a bad cook but I would just make mediocre meals just to get food on the table.  If we wanted really good food, we would go out to eat.  But I realized, why can't I make really good food in my own kitchen??  I know this may not be a revelation to some, but it was to me.  So I'm on a quest.  I've already tried imitation chick-fil-a nuggets, but my main goal is to make really good tex-mex!  I'm starting with salsa, pico, and guacamole and will be trying a new fajita recipe tomorrow.  There have been times that I've made food, and it was not good, but I kept the recipe and made it again just because it was easy.  Why would anyone do that to themselves and their family??  I'm a doofus.  So from now on, I'm throwing bad recipes out, and tweaking good recipes to make them better!  If you have any suggestions, please send them my way.

We are also dealing with some health issues in our household so we are making a transition to lots more  fruits and vegetables and way less processed food.  I'm considering the transition to a whole foods diet. I am about to attempt to make my own bread (what??!) and even looked up a recipe to make homemade goldfish crackers.  We are convinced that our bodies will feel better if we put better things in them.  I've already gotten a small taste of that with one small change in 10 short days.  [small taste- see what I did there?  sooo punny....]

Ya'll, I have read all those blogs about people that eat like this and it was always SO NOT ME.  I thought those people were crazy and there was NO WAY I could eat like that. But I'm taking baby steps and have actually been enjoying the journey so far.  These are big changes for us and I'm hoping that this won't be just a one month trial run, but it will be a lifestyle change. [although I'm pretty sure I'm never going to make my own kefir.  whatever the heck that is!]

For those of you that are already so great about not going out to eat all the time, and cooking great food at home.  Don't judge me!  :)  I know you probably think I'm crazy.  I just assumed that's how everybody else lived too...??  But I know that's not the case.

And if you want to get together with me, don't invite me out to eat. :)  You can come to my house.  We can drink coffee brewed in my coffee pot, or experiment with the homemade Pumpkin Spice Latte recipe I found.  Oh, and I won't charge you $5 for your cup of coffee ;)

the journey

I love seeing people's journeys.  I love walking with them on their journeys.  I love the stories that come out of it all.  We can learn so much about who God is and what He does when we see the journeys and hear the stories.

I feel the need to share a little bit of my journey.  For weeks and weeks now, I've wanted to get back into writing blogs.  I've made a list of blog topics that have been on my mind.  I've even started a blog or two, but the words just never seem to come.  And I think it's because I just need to share my journey with you.  Because that's what this blog has always been.

If I had to sum up this season of my life in one word, it would be renewal.  I'm in a time where the Lord is teaching me so many new things.  I've been given lots of different opportunities, I'm taking on new responsibilities, and as they pile on, I am having to trust the Lord more and more.

It's kind of one of those times when I feel like the world is going on around me, business as usual, and I'm just kind of on the outside, looking at it all, figuring out where I fit in, and how God wants to use me. Sometimes I wish I really could just step back, unplug, and observe, but as a mother of two very active children, that's just not an option.  I've gotta keep going, gotta keep moving, no matter what.  So I'm living in this dichotomy of wanting to sit, think, and reflect, but having to just do without thinking.  And I'm learning that sometimes that's the way God wants it.  Sometimes he wants us simply to obey.

I'm learning that things will look different through this season.  My time with the Lord will look different.  My relationship with my husband will look different.  My community with friends and family will look different.  I can't do it all.  I can't please everyone.  There are some things that I just have to let go.  And that's ok.

Although this may sound cheesy, and it's been said SO MANY TIMES before, I am learning that there really is no time like the present.  With Facebook and Pinterest so prevalent, there were so many things that I wanted to do.  It seemed I was always looking outside, looking to other people for ideas about how to be the best wife and mom.  It seemed I always needed to find more things to teach my kids, more fun crafts to do, more, more, more.  And then I realized the beauty of simplicity.  The art of simplicity.  The joy of simplicity.  Instead of looking outward and dreaming, I've started looking into the eyes of those right in front of me and doing.

So that's where I am.  I don't have any great biblical illustrations or wise words of encouragement, but I have my journey.  Walk with me.

waiting

I know, I know... New blog, out of nowhere, after a long stint of silence. I'm accepting the fact that I'm an inconsistent blogger. You should too :)

I decided to squeeze in a few minutes of blog reading in this morning and was scrolling along, picking and choosing which blogs I wanted to spend my precious time reading. I came across this blog, Waiting on God, and was about to scroll right past it. I thought, "I'm not waiting on God for anything. I don't need that." But then I had the thought that any encouraging word from the Lord would be good right now, as I'm going through a tough time. So I read it. And it was EXACTLY what I needed.

Let me give you a little background. [This is one of those stories that is hard to tell because you know us moms, we try to be perfect. We don't want the world to know that our kids aren't perfect. And we don't want the world to know that we don't always know how to handle them. But I'm just gonna be a little honest and a little vulnerable here...] Most of you already know this but, I have an 18 month old (Leeland), and I just had another baby (Kinsley) last week. Even before I had Kinsley, Leeland was already starting to go through a tough stage. He really is a sweet boy but he has started hitting, pinching, and biting. He doesn't do it out of anger most of the time, he just does it. I don't know why and we have been trying everything we can to get him to stop, without any success.

And then baby Kinsley came into the picture and things just escalated. When I'm home by myself with just the two babies, Leeland constantly just screams and cries. He hits Kinsely, he pinches her, and he scratches her. And a few days ago, while throwing a little tantrum, he decided to throw the tv remote...at our plasma tv... So needless to say, we are now a tv free family! Not by choice, but because my toddler busted our tv beyond repair.

That was the end of the rope for me. But you wanna know the craziest part? I was a little annoyed with God about this. I had been asking friends and family for advice on dealing with him, but that morning (the morning of the major breakdown and tv incident), I sat down and talked to God about it. I realized that He should have been the first person I turned to in all of this! I prayed and prayed about it. I gave it over to God. I asked God to calm Leeland. I asked God to give me wisdom in dealing with him. I was feeling pretty good and confident after that little Jesus time, knowing that He would make everything better. And then what happened? WORST. DAY. EVER!

I was crying to my mom about it later that night and she said that maybe God just wanted to teach me something. And I agreed, but I was still a little annoyed.

And then I read this blog. I didn't think I was "waiting on God" for anything but as I started reading, I realized I am. I am waiting for Him to answer my prayer. I am waiting for that time where my house will be a little bit more calm. I am waiting for the day when Leeland will not hit. I am waiting for the day when he will be able to tolerate those moments when I need to take care of Kinsley. My God is the great provider and He will answer my prayer. But God does not promise instant gratification. Although that may be what I am used to, that is not His way.

A day or two after Kinsley was born, I read this blog (By the way, if you're a mom, this is a MUST READ. Even if you're not a mom, it's good.), and these words have been my comfort ever since:

"I figure God is big enough to give me just what I need for each day. Maybe it's not as much as I would like or as much as I think I need, but I have to believe that it's sufficient for the moment. He promises that, you know?"

So I cling to those words, and this verse:

"And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see.Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time." Habakkuk 2:2-3

The waiting is hard. But I will endure because my God is good. He is teaching me and molding me. And the waiting will end- in God's time, not mine :)

for when the clarity never comes

A friend asked me to pray for wisdom and clarity for her. And so I did, and I am. But as I pray, there is a strong sense of familiarity to my words. That's because I pray for wisdom and clarity all the time.

And to be honest, I get frustrated with this prayer a lot,

because most of the time it feels unanswered.

I usually pray this prayer when I have a decision to make. I pray for wisdom and clarity because I want to know that I'm making the right choice, the choice the Lord wants me to make. But so many times, the decision has to be made and the clarity is not there. And I get a little annoyed. "God, I prayed and asked so nicely for clarity. I even begged. What's the deal??!"

At that point, I usually just move on with my life and go through the cycle again. But today, I decided to stop. And listen. I listened to the Lord's answer to my frustrated and annoyed question. And what did I hear?

Trust me.

I have already given you the tools you need to make this decision on your own.

I have a plan, I know what I'm doing, and you might not be able to see it and understand, but I do.

Several scriptures came to mind immediately. Verses that we quote all the time, but important words from the Father. Verses that I have memorized but as I began to go over them in my mind, I realized that He is spelling it all out for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He has a plan for you. And it's a good one. He tells us that right here in scripture so why do we ever question that? It's time to just trust.

And speaking of trust, Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and he will make your paths straight."

We must trust Him. Even when we don't understand. He's gonna take care of us.

Romans 12:1-2 (yes, I know I JUST blogged about this verse, but it's back!)

"Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-- this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-- his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

So many times, I pray for clarity, and then I sit and wait for this magical "aha!" moment. But I'm beginning to learn that it doesn't always happen that way. How are we able to test and approve what God's will is? Worship. Sacrifice. Renewing of your mind. Sometimes God doesn't have some brand new revelation for us because He's already given us the answer in His Word. However, we have to go there to find it.

To my sweet friend- I am continuing to pray for wisdom and clarity. But if the clarity never comes, trust that He has a great plan for you. He already knows what's gonna happen. He's seen the future, in fact, He planned it out for you. Even if you don't know that you're making the right choice, He knows.

pleasing to HIM

Isn't it great to get a new perspective on things?

I have a Bible that I love. It's maroon leather (classy, of course), not too big, not too little, it falls open and stays open just perfectly, it's NIV, and it has all my notes and underlines from the past few years. However, over Thanksgiving break, I left that Bible in my dad's truck after church. I realized it about 30 seconds after pulling away from my parent's house but considering the fact that we have a whole shelf full of Bibles at home, and I knew I would be seeing my parents soon again anyways, I knew it wasn't worth turning around for.

So, when I got home, I pulled out another Bible from the shelf. I don't use this Bible often so it won't even stay open, which is annoying because I always lose my place. It's also in the New Century Version which I've never even really heard of, and I have become quite the lover of NIV. Needless to say, I haven't been thrilled to be using this Bible but figured it could get the job done until I get mine back.

Then I actually read it. When I get my Bible back, this other one will still be going back on the shelf, but it has offered some great new perspective! I'll probably be pulling it out a little more often now to get a different view on things. Let me share with you a big one I learned the other day.

I was reading Romans 12:1-2. I have this verse memorized (in NIV of course), and we just got done studying Romans in Sunday School so I probably normally wouldn't be reading these verses AGAIN, but I was reading a devotional that my dad gave me and it was in Romans. I was blown away with the way this other Bible worded things. It was saying the same thing, of course, but I think I had read it over and over in the NIV so much that I had become numb to the message. Romans 12:2 really jumped out at me.

Here's Romans 12:2 in the NIV:

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

And here it is in the NCV:

"Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect."

Doesn't the NCV offer a great new perspective?! There are so many things I could touch on but let me tell you about the biggest one for me.

In the NIV, I was always reading the end of that verse pretty selfishly. I read the end of that verse thinking God's will was good FOR ME, pleasing TO ME, and perfect FOR ME. And I do believe it is all of those things...BUT the NCV pointed out something I was missing. Did you catch it up there? It says "you will know what is good and pleasing TO HIM."

And this is one of those moments where I learn, yet again, that it's not all about me! God's will is not for me to live a life that is good and pleasing and perfect and wonderful for myself. He has transformed me into a new being, a new creation, and His will is for me to live a life that is pleasing TO HIM.

Yes, this is one of those lessons that we all know and have heard a million times... but I have shown time and time again that I need to be reminded of this often. And God is always faithful to find ways to offer a new perspective for me. Maybe I didn't leave my "favorite" Bible in Mount Pleasant on accident... :)

commitment

Today is one of those days that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I woke up early and cooked a good breakfast for Weston and Leeland and packed both of their lunches for them to take to work/school today. (I know this may be a usual occurrence for most people, but for me, that was a supermom moment.) It is cold and rainy outside and I am sitting in my nice warm house, sipping delicious hot coffee, wearing my furry boots, listening to music and blogging in the warm glow of the Christmas tree. And since Weston is at work and Leeland is at school, the rest of the house is calm.

I'm usually always going and doing. Even on a day with nothing on the agenda, I usually find somewhere to go. But I decided ahead of time that today was going to be a day at home. I'm going to finish decorating the tree and take care of some things at home that have been neglected. Also, my soul needs a day to just breathe.

As I sit, breath, and enjoy the warmth of the calm, my mind is dwelling on commitment. We talked about commitment in Sunday School yesterday- about how commitment is one way to avoid the pitfalls that the enemy puts before us. We discussed the consequences of breaking commitments (in marriage, in our relationship with the Lord) but as I dwell on it this morning, I'm realizing another pitfall- not breaking the commitment, but neglecting the commitment.

These things are similar and they both have consequences but I think they are a bit different. Most of the time, breaking your commitments is a conscious decision. But neglect tends to happen subconsciously. We don't even think about it but we let our commitment slip from the forefront of our minds, and then in turn, end up breaking our commitments without even thinking much about it.

This morning I'm thinking about my commitment to my marriage. No, I haven't done any of those big, bad things to break my commitment- I haven't cheated on my husband or lied to him or shamed him in public. But am I truly, daily, consciously committed to loving, serving, and respecting him?

I'm talking about the little things like the way I talk to him or the things I expect of him (annnd the way I treat him when those expectations are not met...). Commitment is costly, and it's not always easy. However, when my commitment is in the forefront of my mind, it is a little easier to remember the things that commitment requires of me.

I know things are busy right now. I know not all of you may be able to get your kid and husband out of your house and have a quiet morning to relax. But I encourage you to find some time (maybe while you're in the shower? If you're lucky enough to get to take one...) and let your soul breathe. And while you're breathing, think about your commitments- to your family, to the Lord, and whatever else you are committed to. You may have to search deep for some of those commitments that have been neglected. Recommit yourself to those things and those people. Remind yourself why you're committed and what that commitment means. Write it down if you have to so they don't get neglected again, because as we learned in Sunday School yesterday, "Commitment is costly, but breaking the commitment is costlier."