created to be

I grew up my whole life thinking I was going to do something AWESOME. You know, have some really cool job, with lots of power, where I would get to wear high heels all the time, and drink lots of coffee. My mom stayed at home with my brother and I when we were younger but then she went back to work so in my mind, moms always worked.

I remember learning about PR (public relations) in 4th grade and I thought "PR" sounded pretty cool so I decided then that I wanted to work in PR.

When I was a senior and started getting information about colleges, I changed my mind almost every week. I would get calls from schools, "So, I see you're interested in majoring in Theatre?" and I would think to myself, "What? When was I going to major in Theatre?...Oh yeah...."

I love George Bush so when he was running for president, I became interested in politics. That mixed with a history teacher in high school that was very influential on my life, and a trip to Bush's Inauguration my senior year got me thinking I would work in politics. I wanted to move to DC.

During Orientation week my freshman year of college, I had no idea what I was going to do so I went to the department meeting for "Mass Communication" because I thought it sounded cool, you know like the PR thing. I looked at what all you could do with a Mass Comm degree, looked at all the classes you had to take and decided that was the major for me! I ended up loving it! Good choice, Meagan.

Somewhere along the way, I decided I was going to work in the Christian music industry in Nashville. And that wasn't just a crazy whim, I don't think. All through college when someone asked me what I was going to do, my response was, "I'm going to graduate college, move to Nashville, work at Starbucks for a few years, then get a job in the Christian music industry." I even went to Nashville for CMA Music Week and volunteered there. I thought I was one step closer to my dream.

It's funny because Weston always wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom and I always told him that wasn't for me.

But God had different plans for me. I am so glad He is in control!

The economy tanked right when I graduated college and when I checked on the status of things in Nashville, companies were not hiring, in fact there were a lot of layoffs. So, we decided a move to Nashville probably wasn't the smartest choice for us. In a crazy happening of events, I got the job as the Director of Student Activities at ETBU! (What?? I never saw that coming.)

My job at ETBU was really a great experience. I learned SO much and honed a lot of useful skills. I realized that I was capable of doing far more than I ever imagined! (Only through the strength of the Lord) I also had business cards, a really cool golden nametag, and wore high heels a lot. But this job was SO stressful. I am a people pleaser and there was A LOT of pressure on me all the time. This weighed heavily on me and my job consumed my life. I thought about quitting several times but always pushed through.

After working for 2 years, I told Weston I had changed my mind, I did not want to be a working woman! Weston's response: "Good thing we didn't move to Nashville just for you to discover that you hate working!" (Ha!) At a very low point when I was about to give up, in a message to a friend (Shout out to Bethany Roszhart!) I remember saying, "I just wanna get pregnant or something so I have an excuse to quit working!" We weren't actually really trying to get pregnant at this point (although I had quit birth control and it was in our plans soon) but 2 months later, we found out we were pregnant! I now had hope because I only had to work for 9 more months :)

Since having Leeland 6 months ago, my life has been quite the journey of not only adjusting to being a mom, but adjusting to this new lifestyle of being a stay-at-home mom. And let me tell you something that I have discovered:

This is what I was created to do!!

I was never a kid person. Before Leeland, I could not tell you the last time I had held a baby or changed a diaper. I wasn't quite sure how all of this was going to go down. But I guess my "mothering instinct" kicked in when I had Leeland and all of this has been so fun!

Not only have I adjusted to being a mom, but I've come to enjoy the whole "housewife" thing. I've developed a system and now I'm pretty good at keeping my house clean, keeping the laundry done, cooking meals, and all of that jazz. And that is a big step for me because I did not enjoy any of that before.

Leeland and I have such a fun time at home. Some days are hard. Sometimes Leeland cries all day. Sometimes I don't get everything (or anything) done. But even in those days, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be there with Leeland.

So maybe I don't have a cool sounding job title or business cards. And maybe I don't wear high heels every day, or any day for that matter... But it's ok. Because I'm doing what the Lord created me to do. And there is such sweet peace in that!

Clarity. Love. And cupcakes.

You know those times in your life when you feel like God is so distant? I mean, you know He's right there but He's just being quiet. You do all the right things, you seek, you search, yet it feels like you aren't getting the whole picture. He's just giving you bits and pieces. None of it makes any sense. And you are left there. Empty.

But then, and oh how this is a glorious 'but then', the sun rises. You find the light at the end of the tunnel. The rainbow after the storm. Clarity. God starts speaking so fast you can't even catch it all. That's where I am right now. And it is so wonderful.

I had reached the end of my rope- spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I was tired. It felt like everything had spiraled out of control. And let me tell you, on the outside, it wasn't that bad, but on the inside, I had just given up. I talked to Weston and decided that I needed self-discipline. I was going to start working out and eating healthy. I was going to be adamant about spending time in the Word daily. I was going to quit drinking Dr. Pepper. And I was going to quit eating sweets. (What?? Worst decision EVER)

So I began in my little self-discipline quest. And all was fine. Until I decided to re-read Blue Like Jazz. I read it before sometime in college. Because it was the trendy Christian thing to do. I remember it being good. I even highlighted profound thoughts. But I don't remember anything about it. I actually decided to read it again because after following Donald Miller on twitter, I discovered that they're making it into a movie and I thought that was odd.

Reading the book again at this point in m life was SO good. This jumped out at me:

Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return.

Woah. He used my word. Self-discipline. And apparently it's not the answer. As I began to think about it, I don't think I've ever fully accepted God's love. I just can't even comprehend it, and I know I never fully will. But I think I definitely need to dive deeper into it.

So that's where I am. Not obsessing over self-discipline, but trying to accept love.

As a sidenote, I'm still working out and eating healthy. I'm still not drinking Dr. Pepper (it's been 4 days). And I'm still striving to spend time in the Word daily.

But, I think I'm going to have a cupcake today. I mean, it's ok every now and then, right?

UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!

Goodness gracious!

I thought it would be fun and quick and easy to just pop in a new background and maybe even a new banner but boy was I wrong! I'm having some technical difficulties that I'm too tired to figure out right now.

Help! Does the background image seemed zoomed in and cut off to you?? Ugh...........