But then, and oh how this is a glorious 'but then', the sun rises. You find the light at the end of the tunnel. The rainbow after the storm. Clarity. God starts speaking so fast you can't even catch it all. That's where I am right now. And it is so wonderful.
I had reached the end of my rope- spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I was tired. It felt like everything had spiraled out of control. And let me tell you, on the outside, it wasn't that bad, but on the inside, I had just given up. I talked to Weston and decided that I needed self-discipline. I was going to start working out and eating healthy. I was going to be adamant about spending time in the Word daily. I was going to quit drinking Dr. Pepper. And I was going to quit eating sweets. (What?? Worst decision EVER)
So I began in my little self-discipline quest. And all was fine. Until I decided to re-read Blue Like Jazz. I read it before sometime in college. Because it was the trendy Christian thing to do. I remember it being good. I even highlighted profound thoughts. But I don't remember anything about it. I actually decided to read it again because after following Donald Miller on twitter, I discovered that they're making it into a movie and I thought that was odd.
Reading the book again at this point in m life was SO good. This jumped out at me:
Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return.
Woah. He used my word. Self-discipline. And apparently it's not the answer. As I began to think about it, I don't think I've ever fully accepted God's love. I just can't even comprehend it, and I know I never fully will. But I think I definitely need to dive deeper into it.
So that's where I am. Not obsessing over self-discipline, but trying to accept love.
As a sidenote, I'm still working out and eating healthy. I'm still not drinking Dr. Pepper (it's been 4 days). And I'm still striving to spend time in the Word daily.
But, I think I'm going to have a cupcake today. I mean, it's ok every now and then, right?