Part 1 in my series, "A Change in Perspective"
Lately, I have really been dealing with being vulnerable with people. I realized that I am not very good at doing that and (you know how God is...) it seems like once I decided to work on that, it has been brought up all the time, in different places of my life.
I am a perfectionist. I do not like to fail or mess up at anything. So, if I know I'm not going to be good at something, I just don't do it. And then of course, if I do mess up, I come up with a really good excuse for it! There's this looming thought in the back of my head:
"Don't let them see you fall."
I think some of this might stem from being a minister's kid. I have a great family that I love so dearly, and they never put any pressure on me to be a certain way, but I think just from knowing how much people looked up to my family, I put pressure on myself to be perfect all the time. Now I'm married and have my own family, and I'm no longer "the minister's kid," but there's still that looming thought in the back of my head:
"Don't let them see you fall."
I like to encourage people and LOVE being able to give them advice when they need it. It makes my heart so happy when friends come to me seeking advice about things they are dealing with. But along with that, it is hard for me to tell others about things I am dealing with. I guess in my mind I feel like it will affect my credibility?? I don't know. There's just that little thing in the back of my head:
"Don't let them see you fall."
A few weeks ago, a friend stopped by to bring some clothes for Leeland. Leeland is teething and those nasty little teeth have turned my perfect baby into a Fuss Monster! On this particular day, Leeland had been the fussiest he had EVER been. He wouldn't nap and we didn't even get to go to church that night because he just would not stop fussing. I was just counting down the minutes until I would be able to put Leeland to bed and get a little break. So then my friend stops by and she says, "How was your day?" Instinctively, I smiled real big and said, "Good!!" And then I thought to myself, "Why did you just say that?? Your day was NOT good!"
And that's when I realized I had a problem. How was I going to be able to cultivate real relationships with people if I flat out lied to them all the time? Sometimes I struggle with the fact that I don't feel like I have really deep close friendships with people and I realized that this is the reason why! It's a two way street. I have to be vulnerable. I have to break down this flimsy wall of "perfection."
I think there's a fine line. I'm not going to walk around burdening every person I see with my problems, and I don't want to become a pessimist. But I'm learning how to be real. And I think through that, the Lord will be able to work in and through my life more. I think Jesus will be a little more evident.
So now I have this new thought in the back of my head:
"Let them see you fall...so they can help you back up."
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing about your struggle to be real with people. You are not alone, my perfectionism keeps me from tackling new things too. I never want people to see me NOT able to do something I try. I look forward to reading the rest of your series!
ReplyDeleteOh! Yes the experiment worked. We had to be disciplined and committed to sticking to our menu. However, this last month it worked! I was so excited. This month we are trying it again.
I'm get ya, bandmate. I don't think I've gotten to the place you're at though. I recently discovered that I have all kinds of acceptance struggles, and that the mentality of "If they really knew who I was, they'd hate me" was far more present than desired. It's encouraging to know that having it all together rarely results in happiness. Excellent post, and stick to your guns meageajea.
ReplyDeleteYou admitted it and that is a beginning place!! :)
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